Do I Ask and Get What I Want in a Relationship?

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We all want to be loved, touched, serenaded and adored. Our relationships may reflect this; our partner may fulfil our desires. Or they used to but no longer. Do you know what happened? How did this happen? Was there a real turning point in your life?

For most, it is gradual process. Sometimes they forget how special we are or go way off the track and we no longer enjoy sharing ourselves with them. Can you talk to your other half about what you want? What you need from them? This can be even more difficult if the shortcoming is in the area of intimacy.

Just imagine that you and your partner need to cook a meal together and you have no words for the ingredients for the meal, no terms for pots and pans, spices etc. Just imagine how difficult that would be. A lot of my clients struggle to express themselves, find it difficult to say what feels good for them and what they want more or less of in their relationship, especially in their sexual relationship.

Some ask me what is normal? What do men / women like or want? Especially as we age and change in what feels good or not. I see no relevance what the average woman or man desires in any situation, as what we need to find out is the specifics of what that special person you are with (or want to be with) want. And you should tell them what you want, as they are not mind readers (usually).

As a sex therapist, I work with people’s intimacy and sexuality concerns and help them to develop skills. These include what to say, when and how, to address sexual and relationship issues and ways to maintain healthy sexuality, such as what to do or avoid. This can be very specific to a person’s own circumstances but mostly around communication, changed lifestyle, low or changed libido, self-esteem or specific health issues.

Remember! Nobody teaches us how to ‘manage’ intimate relationships well. You might have seen and learnt from your parents and friends how to relate to each other but not necessarily the way you wish to be with your partner. Hollywood movies can also give you false ideas of the ‘perfect couple’. In addition, nobody teaches us how to talk about sex and how to ‘do’ sex.

Most of us learn as we go, with or without help. Our ideas about sex – and ourselves – are more important than a perfect body or exotic techniques. You can improve your intimacy in your own relationship to feel safe, understood and fulfilled. Keep learning. Keep talking!

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